Job Want Ads interpreted…

* Competitive Salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
* Some Overtime Required: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
* Sales Position Requiring Self-Motivated Self-Starter: We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
* Self-Motivated: Management won't answer questions.
* Casual Work Atmosphere: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
* Competitive Environment: We have a lot of turnover.
* Public Relations Experience Required: If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
* Duties Will Vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
* Career Minded: We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you're 70.
* Seeking Candidated With a Wide Variety of Experience: You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.
* Problem-Solving Skills a Must: You're walking into a company that's in perpetual chaos.
* Good Communication Skills: Management communicates, you listen, you try figure out what they want you to do.
* Ability to Handle Heavy Work-load: You whine, you're fired.
* Flexible Hours: Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.
* No Experience Necessary: We don't want you to realize just how bad this job is till its too late.
* Salary Comesurate With Your Skill and Experience: …squeezing blood out of a turnip.
* People Skills a Must: There are a lot of assholes here and its on you to get along with them.
* Ability to Meet Deadlines: They will change constantly, for no apparent reason, and without regard for your workload.
* Ability to Be Discrete Desired: We cook our books and don't want you telling everyone who will listen.
* Profit Sharing: We share profits with our stock-holders; if there's anything left after that you might get a "Christmas Bonus."
* Will Train: We'll train you to jump, fetch, grovel, beg, and otherwise debase yourself in order to keep your job.
* Entry Level Position: Abandon all hope, all ye who enter here…
* Retirement Package: Sure, we got one, but no one's ever lasted long enough to collect.
* Medical Benefits: We have a first-aid kit - somewhere…

Actual Job Interviewee Statements or Actions

Actions:
* Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
* A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
* Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
* Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
* Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office.
* Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
* Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
* Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
* Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
* Candidate brought large dog to interview.
* Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
* Candidate dozed off during interview.

Statements:
* "What is it that you people do at this company?"
* "What is the company motto?"
* "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
* "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
* "Why do you want references?"
* "Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
* "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
* "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
* "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
* "Does your health insurance cover pets?"
* "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
* "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
* "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
* "Why am I here?"
* "I never lie!"
* "At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking."
* "I feel uneasy indoors."
* "Sometimes I feel like smashing things."
* "Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars."
* "I get excited very easily."
* "Once a week, I usually feel hot all over."
* "I am fascinated by fire."
* "I like tall women."
* "Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex."
* "People are always watching me."
* "If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back."
* "Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct."
* "I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker."
* "I never get hungry."
* "I know who is responsible for most of my troubles."
* "I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me."
* "My legs are really hairy."
* "I think I'm going to throw-up."

Knowledge:
___ This S.O.B. really knows his shit.
___ Knows most phases of his job.
___ Knows just enough to be dangerous.
___ Stupid bastard, couldn't find his ass with both hands and a flash-light.
___ Brain-damaged, a coffee cup has a higher IQ.

Accuracy:
___ Does pretty good work when not preoccupied with sex.
___ Pretty good, only screws up occasionally.
___ Doesn't give a damn if he gets it right or wrong.
___ Does shitty work and constantly f***s up.
___ Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice.

Work Rate:
___ Faster than a perp on "Cops."
___ Fast S.O.B. if he thinks he's going to get a raise.
___ Does a lot of work around salary review time.
___ Works only if kicked in the ass every five-minutes.
___ Couldn't produce less if he was in a coma.

Cooperation:
___ A very dependable little shit - grabs his ankles at the drop of a hat.
___ Brown-noser in good standing.
___ Cooperative only if his ass is kissed frequently.
___ Thinks its his job to piss off his co-workers.
___ Doesn't give a damn, never has, never will.

General Work Habits:
___ Has memorized the employee manual and submitted a written critique.
___ Generally does what he is told if he thinks he being watched.
___ Sits around with his thumb up his ass even when being watched.
___ Couldn't get to work on time with a police escort.
___ Bastard can't even spell "Work."

Appearance & Personal Hygeine:
___ Extremely neat and orderly, even combs his pubic hairs.
___ Doesn't scare away customers.
___ Needs to be introduced to toothpaste and deodorant.
___ Sloppy, dirty, filthy, smelly bastard.
___ Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him.

Leadership Skills:
___ Carries a switch-blade and gets good results.
___ Constantly pisses off the troops.
___ Is occasionally told to get f****d
___ Only the janitor listens to him.
___ Can't lead a pack of starving wolves to fresh meat.