1. They travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.
2. They accelerate at a phenomenal rate.
3. They enjoy a much shorter braking distance.
4. They can take bumps at twice the speed of private cars.
5. Oil, battery, tire pressures and fluid levels do not need to be checked
nearly so often.
6. They have a much tighter turning radius.
7. The floor is shaped like an ashtray.
8. They only burn the cheapest gas available.
9. They do not have to be garaged at night.
10. They can be driven up to 100 miles with the oil warning light on.
11. They need cleaning less often, especially inside.
12. The suspension and trunk floor are reinforced to allow concrete slabs
and other heavy building materials to be carried.
13. They are adapted to allow reverse to be engaged while the car is still
in forward motion.
14. The tire side walls are designed for bumping into and over curbs.
15. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by the adjustment
of the radio volume control.
16. No security is needed. They may be left anywhere, unlocked, with the
keys in the ignition.
17. They have special batteries that can be drained and jumped repeatedly
without damaging the electrical system.
18. They come with "temporary" spares that are good for 50,000
miles.
19. They have specially reinforced bumpers for moving annoying objects,
such as shopping carts and sub-compact cars in parking lots.
20. All repairs can be accomplished with the cheapest after-market parts
available.
21. Parking brakes do not need to be dis-engaged to drive.
22. When parking on a hill, it is safe to leave it gear and ignore the parking
brake.
23. The upholstery is impervious to stains, burns, and makeup.
24. They are easily parked in spaces intended for much smaller cars.
25. They are bullet-proof, so you can be as obnoxious behind the wheel as
you want to be.