Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is... "Top O the mornin to ya".
They were not surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
But in the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas, Arkansas, Alabama and
Mississippi the replies were different. 89.3 percent of the final words
were, "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin'."
Two men are driving through Pennsylvania when they get pulled over by
a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head
with the stick.
The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The cop answers, "You're in Pennsylvania son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here." The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that Son-of-a-B***h would've tried that s**t with me!"
A Georgia state patrolman pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.
The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares and lit them, and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunk got out and watched the show. After a minute or two, he went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in. The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "Just take me to jail ain't no way I'm gonna pass that test."
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she smiled and said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
Giving her a stern look, he replied, "Highway Patrolmen don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she continued to smile and tried not to laugh. Realizing what he'd just said, he closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left without saying another word. The women broke down and laughed so hard it was another 10 minutes before she could pull herself together and start her car.
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through a camera-monitored intersection while the light was red. A $100 ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a photo-copy of a $100 dollar bill. The police responded by sending him a photo of handcuffs. He paid immediately.
A policeman had staked out a perfect place to watch for speeders without being seen, but for some reason wasn't catching very many, even though it was a busy road. After a while he cruised up the road and discovered the problem - a 10-year-old boy was standing by the side of the road with a hand-painted sign that read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."
He then discovered the little boy had an accomplice. Down the road past the place he had been lying in wait was another little boy. He had a sign that said "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. (And we just used to sell lemonade!)
Conversation at the Nursing Home
At a nursing home a group of Seniors were sitting around talking about
all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even punch out the chad at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others
nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully .... "and thank God we can all still drive!"
A mans car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met the farmer. He told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer.
"Oh, I wouldnt listen to Bessie," said the Farmer. "She doesnt know anything about cars."
Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. The family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into the car, where he was about to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to the old man.
"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm goanna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
A man is driving with his wife, and speeding, so a cop pulls them over and says "You were going 65 in a 40 mph zone". The man replies that he was only going 40 mph, but his wife adds, "That's not true, you were doing at least 70!", so the man says to her "Shut up, you moron!".
The cop also notices that the man is not wearing a seat belt, and says that he will get a ticket for that also. The man tells the cop that he unbuckled his seat belt to get out his wallet, after being stopped. His wife butts in "You liar, you never wear a seat belt", and the man says "Shut up, you moron!".
Now the cop goes to the other side of the car and asks the woman if her husband always talk to her like that.
The woman answers, "Oh no, only when he's drunk".
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wifes voice urgently warning him, Herman,
I just heard on the news that theres a car going the wrong way on
the highway. Please be careful!
Hell, said Herman, Its not just one car. Its hundreds of them!
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Because I'm drunk."
A gynecologist decided that he'd had it with gynecology. He wanted to go and fulfill his lifelong dream and become a car mechanic.
So he studied hard, and when he felt he was ready, he registered to go take the state licensing test.
The results of the test arrived a few weeks later, and with trembling hands he opened the envelope to discover that he passed with flying colors! He got a score of 200 points out of the 100 points possible.
"200 points out of 100 points possible?" he asks himself. "How can that be?"
So he called the licensing board and they tell him: "You see sir, you received 50 points for taking the engine apart perfectly, 50 points for putting the engine back together perfectly, and 100 EXTRA points for doing it all through the exhaust pipe."
I've got a two-tone car: primer and rust!
A guy gets stopped by a cop who closely examines the guy's license.
"You're not wearing glasses" the cop says, noting the restriction.
"But officer" says the guy, "I've got contacts."
The cop replies, "I don't care who you know, you've gotta wear your glasses."
Responding to an ad for a 2-door Chevy for $100 a man discovers that
the car for sale is a 1959 Corvette. He says to the woman, "You know,
the car has to be worth at least $30,000, why are you selling it so cheap?"
The woman replied, "My husband has left me for another woman. He told me to sell the corvette and send him the money."
Why do Yugo's have rear-window defrosters?
To keep your hands warm while you push them off the road on cold winter days
Two men get into a car accident. One is a tourist, and one is a native to the town. They get out of their cars to look at the damage. They exchange names and addresses, and wait for the cops to come. As they are waiting, the native says,"Why don't we have a drink to calm our nerves?" The tourist accepts, and takes a drink out of the flask in the native's coat. He hands it back to the native, who puts the cap back on and returns it to his coat. "Aren't you going to have some?" the tourist asks. "As soon as the cops leave, He replies."
A man was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped to ask if he needed a ride. "No thanks...," he said, "I'm not going that far."
Henry Ford in Heaven
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the car, has changed the world for the better. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
So, Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang with Adam, the first man." So, St. Peter points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, he asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of the woman?"
Adam says "Yes."
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. there's too much front end protrusion.
2. it chatters at high speeds.
3. the rear end wobbles too much.
4. and the intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
"Hmmm...", says Adam, "hold on." So Adam goes to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Mr. Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
A Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls- Royce. The driver of
the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey,
buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there, too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb - with satin sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the door of the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he continued knocking, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated proudly.
The Yugo owner looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THAT?!?!"
Real Answers From Responses On A Driving School Exam
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't get my license plate number!
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying: "Guns don't kill people. I do!
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your Car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Being too drunk to find your keys.
Q: What problem would you face if arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd lose my buzz.
Q: How would it change your life if you had your license suspended or revoked?
A: I'd have to drive illegally.
Q: What is the most important thing to remember when passing or being passed?
A: If the driver is cute, make eye contact and wave "hello".
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO . It is the best
and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He
takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on
a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old
man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What
kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 200 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh, Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are in bad shape.
He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man moans and replies, "Yes, Unhook my suspenders from your
A Highway Patrolman waited at his Georgia speed trap several hours for a speeding vehicle. Finally a southbound sports car passed him doing 17 miles above the speed limit. The Patrolman quickly flipped on the lights and engaged in pursuit. As he approached the window of the offender's car the Patrolman told the driver, "I've been waiting for you all day!" to which the driver responded, "Well, I got here as fast as I could."
You Know Your Car Is Getting Old When...
Your gas gauge measures in cubits
Your passenger seat is listed as a historical sight
You never seem to get an answer at the AMC Gremlin help desk
Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopie cushion taped to your steering wheel
Your car has orthopedic brake-shoes
Thieves repeatedly break into your car just to take "The Club"
Driving for Food and Profit
Dave Barry says, "Automobiles are a mixed blessing. On the one hand, they provide us with lots of benefits that were undreamed-of in the "horse-and-buggy" days. For example, any time we get hungry, we can simply hop into the car, pull up to the drive-through window of a fast-food restaurant, purchase a tasty hot meal, spill our coffee on our thighs, and sue a major corporation for millions of dollars."
A man walks into a bar. The bartender looks up at him and says "Hey
buddy, it looks like you have a steering wheel down your pants."
The man turns to the bartender and replies "Yeah mate, it's driving me nuts."
Jay Leno on the Tonight show,
"Russia, today is just the way the US was in the 50s. They drive big cars, wear funny suits, watch black and white TVs and they're afraid of communism."
"Ladies and gentleman, Lexus, the luxury car of the future, yeah, yeah..., it was recalled because the cruise control wouldn't disengage and the brake lights wouldn't turn off. Hey, who says the Americans can't make cars as good as the Japanese, eh?"
Three guys die and go to heaven.
The first goes up to Saint Peter who says, "I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife?"
The guy answers, "Yes, I've never even looked at another women."
Saint Peter says, "See that Rolls-Royce over there? That's your car to drive while you're in heaven."
The second guy gets the same question, and answers, "Once I strayed but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out."
Saint Peter says, "See that new Buick over there, that's your car to use in heaven."
The third guy answers the same question, "I have to admit, I've chased every girl I saw, and was with a lot of women."
Saint Peter says, "Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while you're in heaven.
The three guys go off on their separate ways.
A few weeks later, guy 2 and guy 3 are driving along when they see guy 1's Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar and Find guy 1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in his hands on the bar.
They come up to him and guy 2 says, "Bud, what could possibly be so bad-you're in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!"
He says, "I saw my wife today!"
The other two answer, "That's great! What's the problem?"
He answers, "She was riding a skateboard!"
In an attempt to reduce the number of drunk drivers, the local police decide to start staking out the local bars at closing time. Because they are short-handed they can only post one car at each bar, so the police chief instructs them to watch the people as they leave the bar go after whoever seems the most drunk. He gives each officer a portable breathalyzer and sends them on their way.
One cop ends up waiting until 2am before the bar he's watching closes. People head for their cars in various stages of unsteadyness, but one guy in particular is so wasted he's bouncing practically every car and object in the parking lot as he looks for his vehicle, falling flat on his face several times. Crawling the last fifteen feet the drunk manages to open the door and haul himself int his car. Just as the guy starts to pull out of the lot, the cop comes roaring up with the lights and siren blaring and orders the guy out fo his car.
The driver is ordered through a series of sobriety test - counting backwards, walking a straight-line, standing one foot, etc. - and passes them all with flying colors. In exasperation the cop orders him to breathe into the breathalyzer which reads a big goose-egg.
Infuriated, the cop asks, "What in the hell is going on! Getting to your car you could barely walk, now seem to be stone cold sober!"
The man grins and replies, "I'm the designated decoy!"
The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977,
are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize
accident details in as few words as possible.
- Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
- I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
- In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
- I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
- I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
- I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
- My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
- As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
- I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
- I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
- The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
- I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
- I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
- The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
- The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
What Not To Say or Do When Pulled Over.
Whatever it was I didn't do it.
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Sorry I was speeding, your wife said to hurry on over!
Make this fast, I've got to get the beer back to the party before it gets warm.
Darn, I thought that I was heading AWAY from Dunkin doughnuts.
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a trooper, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Got change for a hundred?
Bad cop! No donut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
I pay your salary!
So, uh, you on the take, or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Hey, is that a 9 mm? How's that compare to this one here?
Say Hi to your wife and my kids!
Man, I have no idea how fast I was goin'!
What exactly is "legally drunk"?
So, what's a good bribe go for around here?
I hope you realize you're about to ruin a perfect record.
Okay, so I was speeding and I let you catch me - how about best of three?
If I were you I'd let me go!
Met your quota? Happy now?
You should give the ticket to my damn unreliable cruise control.
Speeding is an abstract concept, don't you think?
If I had known you were there I would never have been going that fast!
How fast was I going? I don't know because the speedo doesn't go that high.
Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
Pretend you are gay and ask him out. When he says no, cry.
If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"
Clean your ear with the pen.
Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say "I thought the name sounded familiar..."
Mumble to yourself.
Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
Tell him you like men in uniform.
Course I'm pissed officer, d'you think I'd drive like this if I was sober.
Is that a baton in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me.
You can't do that, this isn't my car!
Hey! That's my beer!
60 mph in a 30mph area? Could you put down 70 - I'm trying to sell the car.
Yes, officer I saw your flashing lights, but you didn't seem to be catching me, so I assumed you were after someone else.
When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the video camcorder.
Q:How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'm just going to work this out on my calculator, and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.