Quotations about cars and those who love them (or hate them).

 

The longest journey begins with a single step, not with a turn of the ignition key. ~ Edward Abbey.

 

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks. ~ Scott Adams.

 

Whether the people are inside or out. Automobiles are a story unto themselves. They've come so far in such a short time. They have taken over everywhere. They break thru the forests and the dunes and the mountains and bring civilization faster and wilder than the railroads ever could. They aren't bound by two rails. They suggest an absolute freedom, freedom that could take the mind to anywhere. They can go even where there are no roads; they can run over everything old and suggest a constant present. They seem like so much freedom but they actually are so much dependence. When you gain a car you lose a self. Cars keep driving to the furthest reaches, past where the roads peter out. The people stay inside them, enclosed in glass and steel. ~ John Akre.

 

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. ~ Woody Allen.

 

The shortest distance between two points is under construction. ~ Noelie Altito.

 

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough. ~ Mario Andretti.

 

A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense. ~ American Proverb.

 

That the automobile has practically reached the limit of its development is suggested by the fact that during the past year no improvements of a radical nature have been introduced. ~ Scientific American, June 2, 1909. [This one is right up there with the former chairman of IBM saying that the world would only need two or three computers at most.].

 

The automobile and the telephone are defeated as instruments of individualism by being applied to the needs of a mass society. The automobile fulfills man's desire to move over the surface of the earth all by himself; but by becoming accessible to everybody, automobiles have paralyzed our streets. Individualism is possible only in plenty of empty space. Similarly, telephones block their own paths of individual communication when everybody is talking: the phone is too often "busy." Private enterprise cannot but strangle itself. ~ Rudolf Arnheim, Parables of Sun Light, 1962. [Gee, I wonder what he would have to say about cell phone use while driving…].

 

Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down. ~ Russell Baker. [Just don't tell PETA - People for the Ethical Treatment of Automobiles].

 

The car as we know it is on the way out. To a large extent, I deplore its passing, for as a basically old-fashioned machine, it enshrines a basically old-fashioned idea: freedom. In terms of pollution, noise and human life, the price of that freedom may be high, but perhaps the car, by the very muddle and confusion it causes, may be holding back the remorseless spread of the regimented, electronic society. ~ J. G. Ballard, "The Car, The Future", Drive, 1971.

 

Except for the American woman, nothing interests the eye of the American man more than an automobile, or seems so important to him as an object of aesthetic appreciation. ~ Alfred Hamilton Barr, Jr., first director of the Museum of Modern Art, New York.

 

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. ~ Dave Barry.

 

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. ~ Dave Barry.

 

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. ~ Dave Barry, "Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn".

 

I think that cars today are almost the exact equivalent of the great Gothic cathedrals: I mean the supreme creation of an era, conceived with passion by unknown artists, and consumed in image if not in usage by a whole population which appropriates them as a purely magical object. ~ Roland Barthes, "The New Citroën," 1957.

 

Life is too short for traffic. ~ Dan Bellack.

 

If you think Abraham Lincoln became famous for inventing the town car, it is time to spend a few hours on history. ~ Bo Bennett.

 

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, "Are you comfortable?" The man answers, "I make a nice living." ~ Milton Berle.

 

Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization. - Ambrose Bierce. [It may not be civilization, but it sounds like a good start on a hot rod…]

 

The armored cars of dreams, contrived to let us do so many a dangerous thing. ~ Elizabeth Bishop, "Sleeping Standing Up," (1955).

 

I find it very difficult to draw a line between what's sex and what isn't. It can be very, very sexy to drive a car, and completely unsexy to flirt with someone at a bar. ~ Bjork. [What about flirting and driving?].

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. ~ Steve Bluestone.

 

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. ~ Erma Bombeck.

 

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. ~ Erma Bombeck.

 

I'm trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how to drive a car will occur in the same week. ~ Erma Bombeck.

 

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. ~ Erma Bombeck.

 

Never have more children than you have car windows. ~ Erma Bombeck.

 

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. ~ Erma Bombeck.

 

You sell a screenplay like you sell a car. If someone drives it off a cliff, that's it. ~ Rita Mae Brown.

 

The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. ~ Art Buchwald.

Americans are broad-minded people. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater, and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there is something wrong with him. ~ Art Buchwald, "How Un-American Can You Get?", 1966.

 

With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn't likely to carve out a big slice of the U.S. market. - Business Week, August 2, 1968.

 

Have you ever noticed, when you're driving, that anyone driving slower than you is an "idiot", and anyone driving faster than you is a "maniac"? ~ George Carlin: Carlin on Campus (1984) [So, I'm not the only one...]

 

I drive kinda recklessly, I take a lot of chances, I never repair my vehicles, and I don't believe in traffic laws. ~ George Carlin: Complaints and Grievances (2001).

 

I don't let people drive at my speed. If I see some guy in the next lane keepin' pace with me, I slow down. I let that asshole get a little bit ahead, so I can keep an eye on him. I like to know who I'm drivin' near. In fact, quite often at a red light I'll ask for personal references. You can never be too careful. ~ George Carlin, Uncensored.

 

[Roller bladders and scooter riders]. Why are these fully grown men out on the street, playing with children's toys during working hours? And wearing helmets, for chrissakes! Jesus, I would be embarrassed to wear a helmet. Grow up…. And while you're at it, stay out of the range of my car; I might just decide to run some consumer tests on those helmets. I might also decide to clear the streets of all nonessential traffic. So get a job or play on the sidewalk with the rest of the kids! ~ George Carlin, Uncensored.

 

My car complaints include personalized license paltes, which in California have really reached bothersome levels. Among my least favorite are the ones where a guy tells me what kind of car it is, in case I'm f***ing blind: BEAMER, BENZ, PORSH. How helpful. Then there are those very special guys who not only tell me what kind of car it is, but also who owns it: GARY'S Z, DON'S JAG, BOB'S BMW. What's wrong with these cretins? Have they never owned a car before? ~ George Carlin, Uncensored.

I'm tired of people using their cars as biographical information centers, informing the world of their sad-sack lives and boring interests. Keep that s**t to yourself. I don't want to know what college you went to, who you intend to vote for, or what your plan is for world peace. I don;t care if you visited the Grand Canyon, Mount Rushmore, or the birthplace of Wink Martindale. And I'm not interested in what radio station you you listen to or what bands you like. In fact, I'm not interested in you in any way, except to see you in my rearview mirror. ~ George Carlin, Uncensored.

 

American stuntmen are smart - they think about safety. When they do a jump in a car, they calculate everything: the speed, the distance... But in Hong Kong, we don't know how to count. Everything we do is a guess. If you've got the guts, you do it. All of my stuntmen have gotten hurt. ~ Jackie Chan. [I guess OSHA hasn't made it to Hong Kong].

 

I'm convinced that every boy, in his heart, would rather steal second base than an automobile. ~ Tom Clark. [Something tells us that has a lot to do with the automobile in question].

 

A car can massage organs which no masseur can reach. It is the one remedy for the disorders of the great sympathetic nervous system…. The craving for opium can be endured in a car. ~ Jean Cocteau, Opium, 1929. [The need for speed perhaps? Could also be why guys give feminine names to their cars.]

 

I've got a Ferrari. VROOM! I do 104 from the garage to the front door. ~ Bill Cosby.

 

If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside. ~ Robert Cringely.

 

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

 

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. ~ Evan Davis. [20/20 hindsight isn't all it's cracked up to be…]

 

An artist who has traveled on a steam train, driven an automobile, or flown in an airplane doesn't feel the same way about form and space as one who has not. ~ Stuart Davis, 'Is There a Revolution in the Arts?', Feb. 19, 1940. [Especially if that ride was in a Yugo…]


You put a baby in a crib with an apple and a rabbit. If it eats the rabbit and plays with the apple, I'll buy you a new car. ~ Harvey Diamond. [If it eats the rabbit, it probably a born hot rodder].

 

The automobile engine will come, and then I will consider my life's work complete. ~ Rudolf Diesel. [Mr. Diesel, meet Mr. Hemi…]

If hooking a car battery up to a monkey's brain will help find the cure for AIDS and save somebody's life, I have two things to say... the red is positive and the black is negative. - Nick Dipaolo. [Spoken like a true hot rodder!].

 

It's like driving a car at night. You never see further than your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way. ~ E. L. Doctorow.

I hate the outdoors. To me the outdoors is where the car is. ~ Will Durst.

 

Men are superior to women, for one thing they can urinate from a speeding car. ~ Will Durst. [hopefully no into the wind!]

 

In 15 years, more electricity will be sold for electric vehicles than for light. - Thomas Edison, 1910.

 

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. ~ Albert Einstein.

 

The greater part of my official time is spent on investigating collisions between propelled vehicles, each on its own side of the road, each sounding its horn, and each stationary. ~ An English Lord Chief Justice. [It's always the other guys fault…]

Walking isn't a lost art - one must, by some means, get to the garage. ~ Evan Esar.

 

New Scientist magazine reported that in the future, cars could be powered by hazelnuts. That's encouraging, considering an eight-ounce jar of hazelnuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah, I've got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and Faberge eggs. ~ Jimmy Fallon. [Bottled water anyone?].

 

If you don't drink, smoke, or drive a car, you're a tax evader. ~ Thomas S. Foley.

 

It certainly seems to be a reasonable conclusion that the possible maximum for automotive passenger cars cannot exceed one to every family. ~ Forbes Magazine, November 24, 1923.

 

Anyone who's ever filed a tax return or visited the Department of Motor Vehicles understands that government does two things well: spend our money and waste our time. ~ Ed Fuelner, March 2006.

 

Money differs from an automobile or mistress in being equally important to those who have it and those who do not. ~ John Kenneth Galbraith.

 

I have so much to say when I'm driving and I only have a horn. A horn don't say enough. A horn just goes, "screeeeeeeew yooooooou!" Right? I want a microphone. A microphone with a speaker on top, like the cops got. You can have 'em, too. Freedom of speech includes volume. ~ Gallagher: Stuck in the Sixties (1982)

 

"Dodge" is the perfect word to put on the front of a van comin' at ya. ~ Gallagher: The Bookkeeper (1985).

Many of the quests for status symbols--the hot automobile, the best table in a restaurant or a private chat with the boss--are shadowy reprises of infant anxieties. The larger office, the corner space, the extra window are the teddy bears and tricycles of adult office life. ~ Willard Gaylin. [As long as the tricycle comes with a Hemi, we're cool…]

 

If Congress is looking for someone to investigate over high energy prices, it should start with itself. Republicans in Congress should immediately review the last 40 years of government restrictions on energy production. What they'll find is that government regulations are why not a single new oil refinery has not been built in the United States since 1976. Government regulations enacted by Congress stand in the way of exploration for oil and gas in much of America, including Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Government regulations require different gasoline formulas in different regions of the country, forcing higher prices and decreased production. And government regulations—pushed by leftwing environmental hysterics—have blocked the development of safe, non-polluting sources of nuclear energy. We could have lower gas prices if Congress didn't make exploration and production so expensive. And we would have more energy independence if government didn't stand in the way of tapping domestic sources of energy. So the next time you hear a politician complain about who's responsible for the high price of gas, tell him: 'Congressman, investigate thyself'. — Newt Gingrich, May 2006.

 

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work, driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to a job that you need so you can pay for the clothes, car and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to live in it. ~ Ellen Goodman. [And your point is…?]

Storing your car in New York is safer than entering it in a demolition derby. But not much. ~ Daniel S. Greenberg.

 

It wasn't the Exxon Valdez captain's driving that caused the Alaskan oil spill. It was yours. ~ Greenpeace advertisement, New York Times, 25 February 1990. [Perhaps… but I don't recall seeing any pictures of Greenpeace ditching their Evinrude motors in favor of oars on their zodiacs…]

 

Congressman Patrick Kennedy announced he's entering rehab after crashing his car while sleep-driving on prescription medication. His family is there for him. For the next twenty-eight days he will occupy the Kennedy Chair at the Mayo Clinic. ~ Argus Hamilton, May 2006.

 

The year is 2000 and you have to get from the airport to downtown Honolulu in five minutes… You step into a small automatically controlled capsule which takes you on your way at a rate of 15 miles per hour on tracks high above the streets… By 2000, downtown Honolulu-like cities on the Mainland-will be off limits to private automobiles..." - Reporter William Helton, Honolulu Advertiser, July 27, 1970.

 

What a lucky thing the wheel was invented before the automobile; otherwise, can you imagine what awful screeching? ~ Samuel Hoffenstein. [Two thumbs up for bearings while we're at it…]

 

Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight upwards. ~ Sir Fred Hoyle, British astronomer. Observer, 9 Sept. 1979. [Workin' on it!]

 

There is a crisis in America. That crisis is divorce. It is easier to get out of a marriage than (to get out of a) contract to buy a used car. ~ Mike Huckabee.

 

America will hardly need to ponder a mystery that has troubled men for millennia: What is the purpose of life? For us, the answer will be clear, established and for all practical purposes indisputable: The purpose of life is to produce and consume automobiles. ~ Jane Jacobs, The Death and Life of Great American Cities, (1961).

 

"‘Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedez Benz,” ~ Janis Joplin.

 

[In 2000] Commuters will go to the city in huge aerial buses that hold 200 passengers. Hundreds of thousands more will make such journeys twice a day in their own helicopters. ~ Waldemar Kaempfert, Popular Mechanics, 1950.

 

All of the biggest technological inventions created by man - the airplane, the automobile, the computer - says little about his intelligence, but speaks volumes about his laziness. ~ Mark Kennedy. [Obviously he's never tried to restore a classic car…]

 

Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night? ~ Jack Kerouac. [Cruisin!]

 

Anybody who thinks we're going to be using cars twenty-five years from now the way we've been accustomed to using them in the recent past ought to have his head examined. That phase of our national history is over.... The regime of mass car use is an offshoot of our historical aversion to civility itself. The car allows Americans to persist in the delusion that civic life is unnecessary. As a practical matter, this regime is putting us out of business as a civilization. ~ James Howard Kunstler, 1996. [This guy needs to experience a long-distance rod-run-prefferably while strapped to luggage rack of a woodie].

Consider the man on horseback, and I have been a man on horseback for most of my life. Well, mostly he is a good man, but there is a change in him as soon as he mounts. Every man on horseback is an arrogant man, however gentle he may be on foot. The man in the automobile is one thousand times as dangerous. I tell you, it will engender absolute selfishness in mankind if the driving of automobiles becomes common. It will breed violence on a scale never seen before. It will mark the end of the family as we know it, the three or four generations living happily in one home. It will destroy the sense of neighborhood and the true sense of Nation. It will create giantized cankers of cities, false opulence of suburbs, ruinized countryside, and unhealthy conglomerations of specialized farming and manufacturing, it will breed rootlessness and immorality. It will make every man a tyrant. ~ R.A. Lafferty. [But at least we don't have to worry about stepping in horse crap when crossing the street… there's an upside to everything].

 

The reason American cars don't sell anymore is that they have forgotten how to design the American Dream. What does it matter if you buy a car today or six months from now, because cars are not beautiful. That's why the American auto industry is in trouble: no design, no desire. ~ Karl Lagerfeld, German-born French fashion designer. Vanity Fair, Feb. 1992. [Nothing gauls us more than having to agree with a French fashion designer from Germany].

 

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. ~ Doug Larson.

 

What am I, a car? ~ Cyndi Lauper. [I'll bite... Are you?].

I like classic cars, I've had some really good ones. A '66 Toronado, a black one - it's a very satanic-looking car. I have a coffin-nosed '37 Cord, white, I've had that one since 1956. I've had a '34 Deusenburg, a '48 Lincoln Continental with the squared-off windows. I like guns. I have a pretty good collection, I have some rare ones. I like really old books, old magazines, I'm always running out of space. ~ Anton LaVey. [Yep, he's one of us].

 

When I become president, all you a**holes that ride bikes in the city? Lock and load! You're going down! ~ Denis Leary, Lock 'N Load (1997).

I hate driving more than anything in the whole world. I'm just an awful, awful driver. I get lost, I hit things: parked cars, one moving car, a pole in my parking garage. Just when I think I got everything under control, I'll miss seeing something out of the corner of my mirror. ~ Rachael Leigh. [We will refrain from making the 'obvious' female driver observation at this point].

 

Stay humble. Always answer your phone - no matter who else is in the car. ~ Jack Lemmon.

 

Premium is almost $3.00 per gallon [in LA]. Gas is so high that the First Lady's motorcade was all Mini Coopers. ~ Jay Leno.

 

Scientists in Australia are working on making biodegradable car parts out of hemp. This might get confusing. When someone says, roll up the window, they might mean, roll up the window! ~ Jay Leno. [I said smoke the tires you idiot! Not SMOKE the tires!]

 

Remember when you used to tie the Christmas tree to the top of your car and drive home? Now our SUV's are so big, the trees fit inside. The new Cadillac Escalade actually has a Christmas tree holder on the dash. ~ Jay Leno. 12-05.

 

DIRECT TV announced it's coming out with satellite as an option is the Cadillac Escalade. The Escalades have incredible stereos in them, refrigerators, now satellite TV. Do you realize they're just one bathroom away from being a mobile home? ~ Jay Leno. 05-04-05.

 

Electronics experts say that by 2009 people will be able to watch TV programs on their cell phones. So we are now exactly 4 years away from the largest car accident is history. ~ Jay Leno. 27 April 2005.

 

I was reading some interesting facts about the new Pope, Pope Benedict XVI. According to "The New York Post', did you know the new Pope has never had a driver's license? Hey, he should come to California, he's an immigrant. We'll give him one for free. ~ Jay Leno. 27 April 2005.

 

Researchers at an Austrian university are facing ethics charges for using human corpses as crash test dummies. See, that's what happens if you don't have a good Social Security system -- you have to keep working even after you're dead. ~ Jay Leno, March, 2005.

 

Well folks, on the second anniversary of the invasion of Iraq, gas prices in California have hit three dollars a gallon in some places. Three dollars a gallon! Didn't we win that war? I mean, I know there's no weapons of mass destruction, but apparently there's no gas there either. .... Gas prices are so high, Robert Blake and O.J. are forced to carpool in their search for the real killers. ~ Jay Leno, March 2005.

 

A Nebraska man has been arrested for stealing a Greyhound bus, getting drunk, and trying to crash into his ex-wife's trailer home because he thought she was cheating on him. This could be the first time ever that a crime gets nominated for a country music award. ~ Jay Leno, 02-05.


There are two companies now advertising they make RVs that can withstand radiation from a nuclear attack. Was there a big call for this?! People upset: "You know, last time we were under nuclear attack our vacation was completely ruined because our RV couldn't take the 10,000-degree temperature! ~ Jay Leno, 02-05.

 

Hillary Clinton called for Americans to save gas by returning to the 55 mile per hour speed limit. I'm not going to believe she's serious about saving gas until I see her and Bill actually drive somewhere together in the same car. ~ Jay Leno, May 2006.

 

The highest gas prices in the nation are in San Diego at an average of $3.40 a gallon. This is especially tough on illegal immigrants. Do you know how hard it is to hide in the trunk of a hybrid car? ~ Jay Leno, May 2006.

 

Ted Kennedy's son, Congressman Patrick Kennedy, crashed his car into a barricade on Capitol Hill at three o'clock in the morning. The head of Kennedy's office said no alcohol was involved. Well, that's why it's a huge story—a Kennedy in a car accident with no alcohol? That's never happened before. ... Did you hear his excuse for hitting the barrier? He said he had to swerve to avoid hitting Ted Kennedy who was crawling home. I guess the apple doesn't stagger too far from the tree. ... As I'm sure you know by know, Patrick Kennedy blamed this whole incident on a sleep medication he was taking. He said he couldn't remember getting out of bed in the middle of the night and leaving his home. And today Bill Clinton said, "Good answer, good answer." ... Kennedy has checked himself into a drug rehab clinic. He gets that 25% Kennedy family discount. Just mention "Ted" at the door and your right in. ~ Jay Leno, May 2006.

 

With these gas prices, I got smart. I'm driving the new Patrick Kennedy hybrid car. It runs on sleeping pills and when you get on the highway it runs on alcohol. ~ Jay Leno, May 2006.

By the mid 1920s the typical American town was in full sexual bloom. The change came with erotic fashions, literature and movies, and an unsuspected sexual aid, the automobile. ~ John Leo. [More specifically, the back seat].

 

"Top Signs Gas Is Expensive:" It's so expensive, Batman is patrolling the streets on a Schwinn; It's so expensive, mobsters are dousing snitches with olive oil; It's so expensive, Domino's only delivers within walking distance; It's so expensive, moviegoers flock to "RV" just to see someone driving; It's so expensive, Tom Cruise agreed to be a guest for 5 gallons of unleaded; It's so expensive, you're actually willing to car pool with Regis; It's so expensive, Starbucks is selling Gasaccino. ~ David Letterman, May 2006.

 

"Top Ways United States Automakers Can Increase Sales": Rig GPS screens to display Cinemax After Dark; Switch gas and brake pedals to make driving more exciting; Zero down! Zero interest! Zero payment until after the bird flu pandemic!; Cars come with monkey that keeps an eye on your blind spot; Bumpers that make comical "boing" sound; Find a way to make objects in mirror appear even closer; Fill airbags with delicious butterscotch pudding. ~ David Letterman, May 2006.

 

"Top ways a dumb guy would lower gas prices: Sell gas by the half-gallon; Sneak up to gas stations in the middle of the night and switch the price numbers; Forget OPEC, start getting oil from Wal-Mart; Fill car with root beer. Cars won't know no better; Release the recipe so people can make their own; Drive really fast so you're not driving so long; Invade Iraq. ~ David Letterman, May 2006.

 

Top Signs New York City Is Becoming More Polite:...10. Number of motorists who stop at red lights is up to 8%. ~ David Letterman, June 2006.

 

“Top Questions To Ask Yourself Before Buying The Pope’s Used Car”: Will I be able to see through the stained glass windshield?; Can I keep the vanity license plate, “Holydude”?; Will he throw in the Creedence tapes in the glove compartment?; Should I get something cheaper like Billy Graham’s old Jeep Wagoneer?; Will it upset my Jewish friends?; When’s the last time he washed this thing, the Reformation? ~ David Letterman, April 2007.

They looked like chrome-plated barges. ~ Raymond Loewy, On automobiles of the 1950s. [They handled like them, too].

 

The trouble with research is that it tells you what people were thinking about yesterday, not tomorrow. It's like driving a car using a rearview mirror. ~ Bernard Loomis. [That's what it's there for].

 

The Aquarium is gone. Everywhere,
giant finned cars nose forward like fish;
a savage servility
slides by on grease.
Robert Lowell, For The Union Dead (1964).

When buying a used car, punch the buttons on the radio. If all the stations are rock and roll, there's a good chance the transmission is shot. ~ Larry Lujack. [...and if every station is Lawrence Welk you can bet the plugs are fouled and cylinders packed with carbon...]

 

Their comes a moment when you have to stop revving up the car and shove it into gear. ~ David Mahoney.

 

The car trip can draw the family together, as it was in the days before television when parents and children actually talked to each other. ~ Andrew H. Malcolm. [It can also result in fratricide, homicide, patricide and other types of 'cide' at the side of the road].

 

Self-determination, the autonomy of the individual, asserts itself in the right to race his automobile, to handle his power tools, to buy a gun, and to communicate to mass audiences his opinion, no matter how ignorant, or how aggressive, it may be. ~ Herbert Marcuse. [Damn straight!]

 

The people recognize themselves in their commodities; they find their soul in their automobile, hi-fi set, split-level home, kitchen equipment. ~ Herbert Marcuse.

 

I have a BMW. But only because BMW stands for Bob Marley and The Wailers, and not because I need an expensive car. ~ Bob Marley.

 

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead. ~ Mac McCleary.

 

The car has become a secular sanctuary for the individual, his shrine to the self, his mobile Walden Pond. ~ Edward McDonagh.

A car is useless in New York, essential everywhere else. The same with good manners. ~ Mignon McLaughlin.

 

The car has become the carapace, the protective and aggressive shell, of urban and suburban man. ~ Marshall McLuhan, Understanding Media, 1964.

 

The car has become... an article of dress without which we feel uncertain, unclad, and incomplete. ~ Marshall McLuhan, Understanding Media, 1964.

 

In the 1930s, when millions of comic books were inundating the young with gore, nobody seemed to notice that emotionally the violence of millions of cars in our streets was incomparably more hysterical than anything that could ever be printed. All the rhinos and hippos and elephants in the world, if gathered in one city, could not begin to create the menace and explosive intensity of the hourly and daily experience of the internal-combustion engine. Are people really expected to internalize-live with-all this power and explosive violence, without processing and siphoning it off into some form of fantasy for compensation and balance? ~ Marshall McLuhan, Understanding Media, 1964. [Some people are just plain paranoid]

 

Approximately 5,000 people attended the funeral of Johnnie Cochran on Wednesday, including O.J. Simpson, Michael Jackson, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. Actually, O.J. played a major role at the funeral, as he led a slow speed procession to the cemetery in a convoy of white Ford Broncos. ~ Dennis Miller, April, 2005.

 

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it. ~ Dudley Moore.

 

I want to win a couple of Indy car championships and I want people to say that Greg Moore was one of the best CART drivers that was ever around.~ Greg Moore.

 

Forget the damned motor car and build the cities for lovers and friends. ~ Lewis Mumford. […that's what backseats are for…]

 

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. ~ Lewis Mumford.

 

John D. Rockefeller wanted to dominate oil, but Microsoft wants it all, you name it: cable, media, banking, car dealerships. ~ Ralph Nader. [that's one car dealership you'll want to stay away from…]

If you are a writer you locate yourself behind a wall of silence and no matter what you are doing, driving a car or walking or doing housework you can still be writing, because you have that space. ~ Joyce Carol Oates. [writing while driving?]

 

I've found my freedom/
Her and I been flying down that highway of gold/
My shirtsleeves are rolled, my Colt 45 is cold./
I go fast, till I'm going faster.
Look how far we've come, look how far/
A car, a car, my kingdom for a car.
How I love the highway/
Picks me up and takes me wherever I please/
I race through the trees bring space to her knees/
I am master of all that's flying past me.
Look how far we've come, look how far/
A car, a car, my kingdom for a car.
~ Phil Ochs, "My Kingdom For a Car".

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. ~ P. J. O'Rourke.

 

For those readers too young to remember, a car used to be a simple piece of machinery, something like a very fast rider mower but better because you couldn't mow the lawn with it. You started this up, drove off at pretty much any speed you desired, and then exercised a variety of constitutionally guaranteed liberties.... No more--nowadays if a car cannot survive a drop from the Gateway Arch and emits any vapors more noxious than Evening in Paris, the federal government won't let you own it, and what they will let you own you can't really drive, because fifty-five miles an hour is the speed at which a spirited person parallel-parks, not motors to Chicago. ~ P.J. O'Rourke, Republican Party Reptile, 1987.

 

True, the [Ferrari] 308 wasn't designed, really, for American touring, where the speed limit is fifty-five and distances are measured in thousands of miles instead of hundreds of kilometers. There's nary a gear in the box where the Ferrari will do fifty-five with pleasure, and the luggage space wouldn't make a good ice bucket. But the answer to those complaints is, Who gives a good goddam? You drive this car for an hour, a hundred miles down the coast between the dunes, with the cattails waving in the tidal marshes and the winter surf crashing on the sea walls, through a blur of empty resort towns with the afternoon sun down low and Edward Hopper--bright across the landscape--you do that for an hour and you'll kill for this car. You'll murder people in their beds just to get back behind the wheel. - P.J. O'Rourke, Republican Party Reptile, 1987.

 

An experienced pickup truck driver is a person who's wrecked one. An inexperienced pickup truck driver is a person who's about to wreck one. A very inexperienced pickup truck driver doesn't even own a pickup but will probably be mistaken for a wild antelope by people jack-lighting pronghorns in somebody else's pickup truck. The foremost high-speed-handling characteristic of pickup trucks is the remarkably high speed with which they head from wherever you are directly into trouble. This has to do with beer. The minute you get in a pickup you want a beer. I'm not exactly sure why this is, but personally I blame it on Jimmy Carter having been President. - P.J. O'Rourke, Republican Party Reptile, 1987.

 

A pickup truck is basically a back porch with an engine attached. Both a pickup and a back porch are good places to drink beer because you can take a leak standing up from either. Pickup trucks are generally a little faster downhill than back porches, with the exception of certain California back porches during mudslide season. But back porches get better gas mileage.
Another important difference between back porches and pickup trucks is the suspension systems. Back porches are most often seated firmly on the ground by means of cement-block foundations. Nothing nearly that sophisticated is used in pickup trucks. - P.J. O'Rourke, Republican Party Reptile, 1987.

 

There are three types of pickup truck engines: the six-cylinder engine, which does not have enough cylinders; the eight-cylinder engine, which has too many; and the four-cylinder engine, which is found in "mini pickups" driven by people who think John Denver is the right kind of redneck to be and believe they can talk to whales. The less said about four-cylinder engines the better. But all these engines have a common fault in that they continue to run after the ignition has been switched off, a phenomenon known as "dieseling." Engines that actually are diesels have been introduced for pickup trucks and they rectify this problem by not starting in the first place. - P.J. O'Rourke, Republican Party Reptile, 1987.

 

Driving a pickup at high speed is a difficult skill to master. The first step is to assume the proper driving position: Use one hand to firmly grasp the drip rail on the roof. This takes the place of shoulder harness, lap belt, and air bag and lets you give the finger to people with anti-handgun bumper stickers on their cars. Then place your other hand on the gearshift knob so you'll always know what gear you're in (which is second, as I pointed out before). Now take your third hand... Perhaps some picture of the difficulty is beginning to emerge. Anyway, be sure to balance your beer can carefully in your lap. - P.J. O'Rourke, Republican Party Reptile, 1987.

 

We are a nation that worships speed and power. And for good reason. Without power we would still be part of England and everybody would be out of work. And if it weren't for speed, it would take us all months to fly to L.A., get involved in the movie business, and become rich and famous. Bicycles are too slow and impuissant for a country like ours. They belong in Czechoslovakia. - P.J. O'Rourke, Republican Party Reptile, 1987.

 

Now a lot of people say to me, "Hey, P.J., you like to drive fast. Why not join a responsible organization, such as the Sports Car club of America, and enjoy participation in sports car racing? That way you could drive as fast as you wish while still engaging in a well-regulated spectator sport that is becoming more popular each year." No thanks. In the first place, if you ask me, these guys are a bunch of tweedy old barf mats…. And in the second place, they wont let me drive drunk. They expect me to go out there and smash into things and roll over on the roof and catch fire and burn to death when I'm sober. They must think I'm crazy. That stuff scares me. I have to get completely shit-faced to even think about driving fast. How can you have a lot of exciting thrills when you're so terrified that you wet yourself all the time? That's not fun. It's just not fun to have exciting thrills when you're scared. Take the heroes of the Iliad, for instance--they really had some exciting thrills, and were they scared? No. They were drunk. Every chance they could get. And so am I, and I'm not going out there and have a horrible car wreck until somebody brings me a cocktail. - P.J. O'Rourke, Republican Party Reptile, 1987.

 

You have to get a car that handles really well. This is extremely important, and there's a lot of debate on this subject--about what kind of car handles best. Some say a front-engined car; some say a rear-engined car. I say a rented car. Nothing handles better than a rented car. You can go faster, turn corners sharper, and put the transmission into reverse while going forward at a higher rate of speed in a rented car than in any other kind. You can also park without looking, and can use the trunk as an ice chest. Another thing about a rented car is that it's an all-terrain vehicle. Mud, snow, water, woods--you can take a rented car anywhere. True, you can't always get it back--but that's not your problem, is it? - P.J. O'Rourke, Republican Party Reptile, 1987.

 

Overall, though, it's the bigness of the car that counts the most. Because when something bad happens in a really big car--accidentally speeding through the middle of a gang of unruly young people who have been taunting you in a drive-in restaurant, for instance--it happens very far away--way out at the end of your fenders. It's like a civil war in Africa; you know, it doesn't really concern you too much. On the other hand, when something happens in a little bitty car it happens right in your face. You get all involved in it and have to give everything a lot of thought. Driving around in a little bitty car is like being one of those sensitive girls who writes poetry. Life is just too much to bear. You end up staying at home in your bedroom and thinking up sonnets that don't get published till you die, which will be real soon if you keep driving around in little bitty cars like that. - P.J. O'Rourke, Republican Party Reptile, 1987.

 

[S]ooner or later you'll have an accident. This much is true. But that doesn't mean that you should sit back and just let accidents happen to you. No, you have to go out and cause them yourself. That way you're in control of the situation.
You know, it's a shame, but a lot of people have the wrong idea about accidents. For one thing, they don't hurt nearly as much as you'd think. That's because you're in shock and can't feel pain, or if you aren't in shock, you're dead, and that doesn't hurt at all so far as we know. - P.J. O'Rourke, Republican Party Reptile, 1987.

The only problem you'll run into [driving on speed] is that after you've been driving for two or three days you start to see things in the road--great big scaly things twenty feet high with nine legs. But there are very few great big scaly things with nine legs in America anymore, so you can just drive right through them because they probably aren't really there, and if they are really there you'll be doing the country a favor by running them over. - P.J. O'Rourke, Republican Party Reptile, 1987.

 

[T]he car did one more thing for me. It reaffirmed my belief in America. It may sound strange to say that a $45,000 Italian sports car reaffirmed my belief in America, but, as I said, it's all part of western civilization and here we were in America, the apogee of that fine trend in human affairs. And, after all, what have we been getting civilized for, all these centuries? Why did we fight all those wars, conquer all those nations, kidnap all those Africans, and kill all the Indians in the western hemisphere? Why, for this! For this perfection of knowledge and craft. For this conquest of the physical elements. For this sense of mastery of man over nature. To be in control of our destinies--and there is no more profound feeling of control over one's destiny that I have ever experienced than to drive a Ferrari down a public road at 130 miles an hour. Only God can make a tree, but only man can drive by one that fast. And if the lowly Italians, the lamest, silliest, least stable of our NATO allies, can build a machine like this, just think what it is that we can do. We can smash the atom. We can cure polio. We can fly to the moon if we like. There is nothing we can't do. Maybe we don't happen to build Ferraris, but that's not because there's anything wrong with America. We just haven't turned the full light of our intelligence and ability in that direction. We were, you know, busy elsewhere. We may not have Ferraris but just think what our Polaris-missile submarines are like. And if it feels like this in a Ferrari at 130, my God, what can it possibly feel like at Mach 2.5 in an F-15? Ferrari 308s and F-15s--these are the conveyances of free men. What do the Bolshevik automatons know of destiny and its control? What have we to fear from the barbarous Red hordes? - P.J. O'Rourke, Republican Party Reptile, 1987.

 

What would be a road hazard anywhere else, in the Third World is probably the road. - P.J. O'Rourke, Holidays in Hell, 1988.

 

Automobiles are free of egotism, passion, prejudice and stupid ideas about where to have dinner. They are, literally, selfless. A world designed for automobiles instead of people would have wider streets, larger dining rooms, fewer stairs to climb and no smelly, dangerous subway stations. ~ P.J. O'Rourke, "An Argument in Favor of Automobiles vs. Pedestrians," Give War a Chance, 1992.

 

We often hear automobiles criticized. Safety experts say they are dangerous. Ecologists tell us they pollute the air. Economists claim cars are responsible for U.S. trade deficits and high energy costs. Social scientists blame them for the deterioration of our inner cities. And aesthetes damn them for roadside blight. But even if all these accusations are true, the automobile is still an improvement on its principal alternative, the pedestrian. - P.J. O'Rourke, "An Argument In Favor of Automobiles vs. Pedestrians," Give War a Chance, 1992.

 

Indeed, we would lead better lives and be a wiser nation if we placed the automobile, instead of our own ambition and greed, at the center of our society. This should be taken into consideration the next time we amend our Constitution:
Article I
Congress shall make no law respecting the establishment of a boring old 55 MPH speed limit; or prohibiting the free exercise of performance cars on empty winding roads; or abridging the freedom to cruise around aimlessly; or the right of the people to remove those annoying voice boxes that tell you to buckle your seat belt.
Article II
Contented Yahoos being necessary for the amusement of a free state, the right of Texans (and people who act like Texans) to drive around with guns in the gunracks of their pick-up trucks and shoot varmints and critters out the window shall not be infringed.
Article III
No driver's education student or School Safety Patrol member shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house if he won't shovel the driveway.
Article IV
The right of the people to be secure in their cars, trucks, vans and RVs against unreasonable nosiness shall not be violated, and no policemen with flashlights or irate parents shall come poking around country lanes or scenic overlooks while couples are parked and necking.
Article V
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual wisecracks by local traffic cops made just because somebody forgot to get their car inspected or was going 38 in a 35 MPH zone.
~ P.J. O'Rourke, "An Argument In Favor of Automobiles vs. Pedestrians," Give War a Chance, 1992.

I haven't been to the front yet…. That's all right. The rear is where the action's been. We call it "Club Scud." We've had missile attacks almost every night. When the first attack came, ABC-TV producer Derwin Johnson and I got in a car and began driving around Dhahran looking for missile damage. We heard sirens and saw flashing lights on one of the main roads. We rushed to the scene and discovered a car wreck. Then we heard more sirens and saw other flashing lights. We rushed to that scene and discovered another car wreck. We saw four or five smash-ups that night, including one involving a police car. When the air-raid sirens go off everybody starts looking at the sky instead of the road, and Saddam Hussein's most fearsome weapon of the war's first week was the unguided Chevrolet Caprice Classic sedan. - P.J. O'Rourke, "Somewhere In Eastern Saudi Arabia (January 1991)," Give War a Chance, 1992.

 

There are just two problems with mass transit. Nobody uses it, and it costs [too much]. Only 4% of Americans take public transportation to work. Even in cities they don't do it. Less than 25% of commuters in the New York metropolitan area use public transportation. Elsewhere it's far less -- 9.5% in San Francisco-Oakland-San Jose, 1.8% in Dallas-Fort Worth. As for total travel in urban parts of America -- all the comings and goings for work, school, shopping, etc. -- 1.7 % of those trips are made on mass transit. Then there is the cost, which is...$52 billion. Less obviously, there's all the money spent locally keeping local mass transit systems operating. The Heritage Foundation says, 'There isn't a single light rail transit system in America in which fares paid by the passengers cover the cost of their own rides." Heritage cites the Minneapolis 'Hiawatha' light rail line, soon to be completed with $107 million from the transportation bill. Heritage estimates that the total expense for each ride on the Hiawatha will be $19. Commuting to work will cost $8,550 a year. If the commuter is earning minimum wage, this leaves about $1,000 a year for food, shelter and clothing. Or, if the city picks up the tab, it could have leased a BMW X-5 SUV for the commuter at about the same price. ~ P.J. O'Rourke, March, 2005.

 

Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children. ~ Marilyn Penland.

 

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip.

 

In Paris, one is always reminded of being a foreigner. If you park your car wrong, it is not the fact that it's on the sidewalk that matters, but the fact that you speak with an accent. ~ Roman Polanski. [solution: stay away from Paris].



To get through their days, nervous natures such as mine have various "speeds" as do automobiles. There are uphill and difficult day which take an eternity to climb, and downhill days which can be quickly descended. ~ Marcel Proust, Remembrance of Things Past, 1954.

 

This race between Dick Swett and Bob Smith is hot and tight as a too-small bathing suit on a too-long car ride back from the beach. ~ Dan Rather. [Something tells me Dan spent too much time stuck to hot vynl with sand in his shorts as a kid].

 

When you think about rising gas prices the first thing to understand is that the people we expect to solve this problem—the folks in Washington—are the very people who do not want it solved. To ask politicians to do something about the skyrocketing cost of gasoline at the pump is like asking Osama bin Laden to do something to prevent terrorism. ~ Michael Reagan.

 

My boyfriend keeps telling me I've got to own things. So, first I bought this car. And then he told me I oughta get a house. 'Why a house?' 'Well, you gotta have a place to park the car.' ~ Julia Roberts.

 

I represent what is left of a vanishing race, and that is the pedestrian.... That I am still able to be here, I owe to a keen eye and a nimble pair of legs. But I know they'll get me someday. ~ Will Rogers. [Died in plane crash in Alaska. You should have drove out Will].

 

Another way to solve the traffic problems of this country is to pass a law that only paid-for cars be allowed to use the highways. ~Will Rogers [Every classic car and hot rodders dream!].

 

Campaign behavior for wives: Always be on time. Do as little talking as humanly possible. Lean back in the parade car so everybody can see the president. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt.

AS the great chain of the Andes stretches southward its altitude grows less, and the mountain wall is here and there broken by passes. When the time came for me to leave Chile I determined to cross the Andes by the easiest and most accessible and one of the most beautiful of these comparatively low passes. At the other end of the pass, on the Argentine or Patagonian side, we were to be met by motor-cars, sent thither by my considerate hosts, the governmental authorities of Argentina. ~ Theodore Roosevelt, A Book-Lover's Holidays in the Open, 1916.

 

No other man-made device since the shields and lances of the ancient knights fulfills a man's ego like an automobile. ~ Sir William Rootes, British automobile manufacturer, 14 Jan. 1958, BBC-TV.

 

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior." ~ Rita Rudner.

 

I don't even like old cars ... I'd rather have a goddam horse. A horse is at least human, for God's sake. ~ J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, 1951. [perhaps, but they don't require a pooper-scooper].

 

Remember folks, street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph. ~ Jim Samuels […or 105 mph…]

Living with a conscience is like driving a car with the brakes on. ~ Budd Schulberg.

 

What Englishman will give his mind to politics as long as he can afford to keep a motor car? ~ George Bernard Shaw.

 

Is it sufficient that you have learned to drive the car, or shall we look and see what is under the hood? Most people go through life without ever knowing. ~ June Singer.

Uses are always much broader than functions, and usually far less contentious. The word function carries overtones of purpose and propriety, of concern with why something was developed rather than with how it has actually been found useful. The function of automobiles is to transport people and objects, but they are used for a variety of other purposes-as homes, offices, bedrooms, henhouses, jetties, breakwaters, even offensive weapons. ~ Frank Smith, Teachers College Press, 1990. […he forgot the most important use--impressing the opposite sex].

 

We hope this car will be less labor intensive, less material intensive, less everything intensive than anything we have done before. ~ Roger B. Smith. [that probably means it will be less "fun" intensive, too].

 

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. ~ Carrie P. Snow.

 

Amid all the hysteria among politicians and in the media over rising gasoline prices, and all the outraged indignation about oil company profits and their executives' high pay and lavish perks, has anybody bothered to even estimate how much effect any of this actually has on the price we pay at the pump? If the profit per gallon of gas were reduced to zero, would that be enough to reduce the price by even a dime? If the oil company executives were to work free of charge, would that be enough to reduce the price of gasoline by even a penny a gallon? Surely media loudmouths making millions of dollars a year and the multibillion dollar TV networks they work for can afford to get some statistics and buy a pocket calculator to do the arithmetic before spouting off nationwide. But this is the age of emotion, not analysis. ~ Thomas Sowell, May 2006.

 

In automobile terms, the child supplies the power but the parents have to do the steering. ~ Benjamin Spock.

 

Discount air fares, a car in every parking space and the interstate highway system have made every place accessible - and every place alike. ~ Ronald Steel.

 

The New Dealers have all left Washington to make way for the car dealers. ~ Adlai E. Stevenson. [politicians and used car salesmen are practically interchangeable].

"I'm not sure he's wrong about automobiles," Eugene said. "With all their speed forward they may be a step backward in civilization -- that is, in spiritual civilization. It may be that they will not add to the beauty of the world, nor to the life of men's souls. I am not sure. But automobiles have come, and they bring a greater change in our life than most of us suspect. They are here, and almost all outward things are going to be different because of what they bring. They are going to alter war, and they are going to alter peace. I think men's minds are going to be changed in subtle ways because of automobiles; just how, though, I could hardly guess. But you can't have the immense outward changes that they will cause without some inward ones, and it may be that George is right, and that the spiritual alteration will be bad for us. Perhaps, ten or twenty years from now, if we can see the inward change in men by that time, I shouldn't be able to defend the gasoline engine, but would have to agree with him that automobiles 'had no business to be invented.'" ~ Booth Tarkington, The Magnificent Ambersons, 1918.

 

I remember things that happened sixty years ago, but if you ask me where I left my car keys five minutes ago, that's sometimes a problem. ~ Lou Thesz.

 

America... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesmen…. ~ Hunter S. Thompson. [you say that like it's a bad thing…]

 

I've got two old Volvos, two old Subarus, and an old Ford Ranger. If you've got an old car, you've gotta have at least several old cars, 'cause one's always gonna be in the garage. ~ Rip Torn.

 

Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance. ~ Brian Tracy. [well, if your feelings thoughts, emotions, goals, and values revolve around cars, then they are in balance!].

Let a man find himself, in distinction from others, on top of two wheels with a chain - at least in a poor country like Russia - and his vanity begins to swell out like his tires. In America it takes an automobile to produce this effect. ~ Leon Trotsky, The History of the Russian Revolution, 1933. [Well, what do expect from a commie...]

 

A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car. ~ Kenneth Tynan.

 

I'm very lucky to be in a sport that I can do this. We can drive the car, we can drive it hard, and so we need to get in there and get some points in order to win this championship and put the Number One back on that Marlboro car. We're physically able to do it, so as long as we're physically able to do it at the at the level we need to then we're going to do it. ~ Al Unser.

I've got a great team of engineers behind this race car. I've got a great bunch of mechanics that make it reliable. This car is developed to go out there and be better than the Reynard, and I feel that it is. ~ Al Unser.

 

What can I say, the best therapy for me was to get in my Marlboro car and drive it. ~ Al Unser.

A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works. ~ Bill Vaughan.

 

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia. ~ Judith Viorst. [That sort of depends on who your in love with… some relationships make a traffic accident seem like a good deal].

A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. ~ Peter De Vries.

 

Perhaps the explanation is an outbreak of mad cow disease on Capitol Hill. Last week the House of Representatives expressed its collective outrage over high gas prices by voting as a herd, 389-34, to make gasoline 'price gouging' a federal felony. Really. This command and control legislation reads like the kind of law passed by the old Soviet Politburo... One small problem is that no one in Washington can seem to define what constitutes price gouging... [T]he heretofore sensible Joe Barton, head of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, explains that 'we know price gouging when we see it.'... There's no actual evidence that oil companies or gas stations are in any way 'gouging' consumers. Webster's Dictionary defines the term 'gouge' as 'to extort from or to swindle.' But in the marketplace with prices set free of government intervention, the sales price is established through a transaction of a willing buyer and a willing seller. Service stations are in no way 'extorting' or 'swindling' motorists at the pump... If service stations are guilty of extortion because their prices are rising more than their costs, then are we to have pricing police preventing homeowners from selling their houses for two or three times what they bought them for, or movie theaters from charging $6 for popcorn that costs 25 cents to produce, or Barbra Streisand from commanding a $1 million fee for a single performance?... The irony here is that if there is any extortion or swindling going on in the oil marketplace, Congress is the guilty party. It is Congress that ordered service stations across America to switch last month to ethanol additives that have both raised prices at the pump and exacerbated shortages in recent weeks. It is Congress and state governments that take 59 cents a gallon on average of fuel taxes at the pump—almost six times the average of 10 cents per gallon profit that the oil companies make. — The Wall Street Journal, May 2006.

 

If you come to New York to buy crack, bring carfare and be prepared to take the bus back. ~ Benjamin Ward, NYC Police Commissioner, On stopping 43 motorists and impounding 30 automobiles cruising in areas where drugs were sold, NY Times, 5 Aug 86.

 

All traffic will be below or high above ground when brought within city limits. In most cities it will be confined to broad subways or tunnels, well lighted and well ventilated, or to high trestles with moving-sidewalk stairways leading to the top. These underground or overhead streets will teem with automobile passenger coaches and freight wagons with cushioned wheels. Cities, therefore will be free from all noises. ~ John Watkins, predicting what life would be like in 100 years, Ladies Home Journal, 1900.

The same system that produced a bewildering succession of new-model, style-obsolescent autos and refrigerators can also produce an endless outpouring of new-model, style-obsolescent science. ~ Harvey Wheeler, NY Times, 11 Aug 75.

 

Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car. ~ E. B. White, One Man's Meat, 1944.

 

We're dealing with fundamentalists... the Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic. Remember that. ~ Robin Williams.

"If there's any conspiracy involved in today's high gasoline prices, it's a conspiracy of cowardice and stupidity by the U.S. Congress." ~ Walter Williams, May 2006.

What I like, or one of the things I like, about motoring is the sense it gives one of lighting accidentally, like a voyager who touches another planet with the tip of his toe, upon scenes which would have gone on, have always gone on, will go on, unrecorded, save for this chance glimpse. Then it seems to me I am allowed to see the heart of the world uncovered for a moment. ~ Virginia Woolf, The Diary of Virginia Woolf, 1927.

 

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. ~ Steven Wright.

 

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. ~ Steven Wright.

 

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. ~ Steven Wright.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. ~ Steven Wright.

 

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. ~ Steven Wright.

 

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. ~ Steven Wright.

 

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing. ~ Steven Wright.

 

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. ~ Steven Wright.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. ~ Author Unknown.

 

It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road. ~ Author Unknown.

 

A pedestrian is someone who thought there were a couple of gallons left in the tank. ~ Author Unknown.

 

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. ~ Author Unknown.


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Hot Rods & Custom Stuff, 2324 Auto Park Way, Escondido, CA., 1-800-HOT-ROD-5.

Hot Rods & Custom Stuff - builds, restores, paints, services and sells parts for classic autos, cars, trucks and street rods.